just got back from the funeral home, to pick up the “creamains” of our baby jewel (they require a “disposal of the ‘fetus’” if the baby was miscarried 20 weeks or greater). i remember after talking to them two days ago even saying “i’ll be coming to pick up the remains” was heart-wrenching–after i got of the phone i just was drained, and sobbed. I kind of put it off, but i went ahead and did it a little bit ago. Death hurts, when you’re not the one to die. I was thinking “i’d go pick them up, then go to get something to eat”, and can’t even do that just yet…i feel blessed in the fact that she was spared some of the hardships of life here, but miss greatly the anticipation of the life that we would have shared, which i am blessed that i get to share with my two other children (which makes it easier to deal with the hurt). i so much try to innoculate the pain with other stuff, but it’s absolutely necessary to go through it, as opposed to around it, in order to remain whole.

i don’t know what i’m saying–all i know is that i’m sad. i know 100% that i’ll be “okay”, soon, but i’m sad right now, and am working through it, with my God.